Death Benefits, for Members Only

In the market for a casket? Why not check out Costco.com? That’s right. I was glancing across the Costco.com category tabs to see if I could buy a gift card. My eyes floated over Toys & Games, Outdoor, Jewelry, Housewares, Funeral… what??? This I had to see.

The funeral page has links for caskets, urns (even pet urns), keepsakes, and sympathy flowers. Did you know you could buy a pet urn for $79.99? Whatever happened to burial by shoebox in the backyard?

Let’s get one thing straight. There’s nothing funny about death. But when Costco offers both standard shipping and expedited shipping for caskets, I can’t help but giggle. Expedited shipping gets the casket to you by 5 p.m. the next business day, just make sure to place the order by 2 p.m.

-- “Uh, doctor, how’s she doing?”
-- “She’s still holding on.”
-- “Well, do you think she’ll be dead by 2 p.m. ‘cause I gotta get moving if we want the Lady Gaudalupe casket by tomorrow afternoon?”

Of course, standard shipping is the better value. Prices go up as much as $400 for the same casket with expedited shipping, but standard shipping orders need to be placed by noon for three-day delivery. So if Aunt Clara dies at 12:02 p.m. on Thursday before a holiday weekend, she’s hanging around for about a week, just so you can save a few hundred bucks. They always get you on the shipping.

On its FAQ page for caskets, Costco’s first frequently asked question is “Why is Costco Wholesale selling caskets?” Who’s asking this question? Frequently? They’re selling caskets because it’s a great way for them to make money. Duh. Or, as a service to their members, as the page suggests.

Another FAQ: “Do I need to be at the funeral home to receive the casket?” Thankfully the answer is no. However, if the casket is going somewhere other than a funeral home, you do need to be there. So here’s my frequently asked question – where else do people send $2000 caskets???

Another FAQ: “Can you order a casket for preplanning purposes?” I think Costco is missing a business opportunity by only selling them online. Why not have some caskets to try out in the store? I mean, you wouldn’t buy a bed or a couch without trying it first. Why not pick out your own casket? You’re going to be in it for eternity, you may as well have a say in it. And hey, if the price is right, pick it up on the spot. At least you’ll have someplace to store those giant cases of paper towels, ketchup and chicken broth you just bought.

While I’m on the subject of warehouse clubs, I was at BJ’s last night, counting up my items to see if I qualified for the express lane. So let me get this straight, I could have a year’s supply of napkins but the fact that the six packages are bundled into one means it’s only one item? Love it.